Transformation of life

As I revealed that my life has been changing rapidly. Things which were mine now it seems they never belong to me earlier. It was just my illusive thought of possession. That tenure is over and they are in the possession of others. Legally and socially, I have no right to hold them with me. So life is transforming from the ownership to companionship. Context of relationship has also been changed. My sobs do not keep any meaning during this transformation, instead it shows my weakness. I am realizing the change but do not want to accept it at all, so, knowingly pushing myself in emotional trauma, again and again.

I am not analyzing reality but wishing to be in virtual world by crossing all limits. Heart wants to stop at the weakened sentiments. But my brain is feeling happy and asking me to make best out of this dilemmatic situation which is not arises once in a whole life span. Therefore, concentrating on the outcome, adopting it by mind and getting adapted to this change of life. Yes, I need to put a positive attitude on whatever way I am going through. This seems to be a new incarnation of mine along with a sense of freedom which is getting transformed quickly.

I am alone

Life has changed to many folds in just couple of weeks’ time. I have been anticipated these changes a long back but was not expecting that these would come like this and going to shatter me. I was keeping my eyes wide shut about the fact. The person concerned about me is leaving me alone and marching ahead to win new hearts. I don’t know how to react and how to tackle this situation as my inside is deeply crying for the one who has left me aside.

I am an emotional fool

Now morning on grief all alone

We planned our future intact

Things fall flat when one broken our dreams

Mind and heart stuck to imbalance gust

She has started dreaming for her best

Left everything at ours all scotched

No one to adore, no one at the crest

None to share my love and worst

When emotions arrived at point of curtest

There is only 'me' with 'my inner tempest'

Oh God! Stop it now......

Death is the only truth in this world. Ones born must have to die? Then why we try to forget this truth and why we live in illusion being away from demise? Things are changing rapidly and new generation is driving it hard. Most of the people are self centered now whereas earlier people lived for the society. Luxuries are more and available at reasonable costs which earlier were not even in thought. New generation also lacking mental toughness and bend their boon in case of little pressure. Pressure of study, pressure of job, pressure of achieving something good and pressure of survival is putting them under more and more stress.

Farmers are sacrificing their lives because businessmen/ corporate houses are milking money on their sweat and paying them only peanuts. Many of the lives are on stack of share-market. If it booms then fine otherwise take away some lives every time whenever it falls drastically. South Asia is generally known as ‘suicidal capital’, nothing more to say about it. Couple of year back, I heard that during rainy season (South Aisa) more suicides have been done. It is because of the gloomy weather which offers passiveness.

Today writing all this is not my purpose but it is because last journey I had made to my hometown because of a suicide. A suicide committed by a juvenile of 14 years named Komal. Knowing about suicide is not new but it was committed by one of my close relative put all of us on trot to reach at hometown. I tried to recollect the face of that kid but got his appearance when he was of just 7-8 years. Now he was 5 feet 4 inches of height, thin but straight body, and fair in complexion with graceful face. He was good in study too and never felt pressure of anything.

His father is my cousin and mother is my sister by religion (Dharam Behan). They were having this son and a daughter. They have been visiting us almost everyday because my sister is a teacher in ‘Angan Balwadi School’ which is running in one of room. They narrated their desires of making house and establishing their own business to my mother most of the time and working towards that. Just couple of months back they constructed their new house and kept one room to their son and asked him to furnish it according to his wish. They were always saying him that ‘this room is to you and your wife’. They all were living as a happy family. His sudden demise is heartbreaking for everyone. Who ever heard about this run towards to home. Why he has done so, is not yet clear. His grand parents were saying they found him in depression from few days, they never thought that he was planning to go away from all of us. He hanged himself just like an expert. People were unable to open the nodes he had given to the cloth he used as tool finally they cut it with a dagger. In the moaning state parents are asking from everyone reason of his passiveness.

Suicides by the people degrading image of our village whereas list is getting longer and longer as the time moving:

• Mr. Dhania Ram found hanged in the jungle, it happened when I was kid.
• Mrs. Neema (wife of Mr. Devraj) consumed poisoned, her husband faced court case for this.
• Second wife of Mr. Devraj also hanged herself and his passion in the list of court and police become more critical.
• Mr. Devraj had also hanged himself.
• Mr. Mehar Singh consumed poison.
• Cousin of Mr. Mehar Singh also found dead in mysterious circumstances, which police marked as suicide later on.
• One girl consumed poison, reached hospital but declared dead.
• Finally this boy (Komal) hanged himself.

- Who is next now……………………………………………………………?

Hey God, give mental strength to all of your children living in this world ……. take them away but not with the way of suicide.

Samsara: a tale of sensuality and spirituality

I am not a true movie bud but always like to see light movies which tickle my funny bones. Though, I had school bunks for movies, including lower grade movies, with few of my friends. Craze of movies were higher at that time and I got easily influenced by all action or romantic flicks. But this craziness has decreased as I entered in the college or thrown up my juvenile behaviour. I like movie by interpreting it by my own emotions or thoughts.

Since, cinema is nothing to do with geographic or language boundaries but still Indian cinema is very close to my heart. Some of the movies which I love to watch again and again are:

Jeene bhie do yaaro: One of the finest comedies, I have ever seen.

Jakham: A thought provoking screenplay which is very close to reality, love, bonding and heartfelt emotions.

Samsara: Undoubtedly a wonderful cinematic experience, shows impetus of desires, can not be fixed in words.

Gardish: A movie where a son tried to fulfill his father’s dream but failed due to few reasons.

Here, I would like to write few words about Samsara, the bestest among the best lot. This film shows meaning of life. Peace never comes through spiritual enlightenment but it comes from inside of every individual.

Samsara is directorial debut of Pan Nalin, an Indian born filmmaker. He comes out with passionate affair of mind and body in the mountains of Himalaya. Monks celebrate Tashi’s arrival from rigorous meditation of more than three years in a cave. They arranged a function and called people of village located near the monastery. In the function Tashi (Shawn Ku) saw breast of a mother while she was feeding her child. Tashi, yearns towards her with lustiest desires and compound in search deep sexual desire. While having feast of this occasion he meets Pema (Christy Chung), a beautiful girl of a farmer family, and his sexual desires blown up. His mates found him having hard-on and night-fall in the sleep. He started assessing his life with ‘Budhha’, who had also experienced closeness of woman before becoming ‘Budhha’. Monks realized his dilemmatic situation and send him to meet another non – speaking old lama. The monk showed him posters of coupling of two bodies. The coupling bodies were changed to structure of bones when saw over the fire. This conveys a message of human life but that was not picked up by Tashi. Now he had decided to live a social life and left the monastery. He worked as labour in the farm of Pema’s father. Tashi and Pema got attracted and started satisfying sexual needs. When their family sensed it they both got married and started living like a family. This was not end for him, but soon Tashi got attracted towards a girl (Neelisha Bavora) who worked in his farm. He got sexually involved with her but soon felt guilt on being unfaithful to Pema. He thought to leave social life and once again left everything in search of enlightenment which he felt is easier than the social life. On the way Pema arrived and confronted him on his leaving. She posed a question about Yoshodara that she had not left her child the way Siddhartha did, is it needed to get enlightenment?

The movie has various pictorial thought provoking messages. It begins with a stone get released from sky on goat’s. Movie ends when Pema broken a box which they used to give each other while going for long journey. The meanings of all symbolic are easily imaginative and questions posed during various conversations are not answered verbally but again these figure out with understanding of humanism.

Where will this twig end up?

How will you stop a drop of water ever drying up?

What is more important- satisfying one thousand desires or conquering just one?

Samsara is truly a master piece of artistic sensuality, spirituality and wisdom.

An eye opener

I was not at all under any stress on the way but my conscious did not analyse a string of questions, would soon be going thrown to me. I reached at the institute with a file of certificates only, supporting staff reviewed it and asked for print copies of articles, I had written. I was not keeping them with me at that point of time. I was away from all seriousness but somewhere was confident to reply on whatever they are going to ask. I saw two candidates who were quite serious about the interview and that was reflecting from their actions. Why they two were only serious? Why I am not serious as they are? I, myself answered on my questions, now, I become a careless professional and must be over confident that’s why I am not so serious about the Interview. Again another question struck, why is this carelessness?

In the mean time, my turn to face the panel arrived. The environment was very cool, all panelist were having a photocopy of my form/bio-data and all of them carefully going through it.

They questioned, like:

• Why you would like to leave your present job?
• You are working in small institute, how you will facilitate the big institute (university) like us?
• How you would manage online literacy programme by using open source software?
• Name any of the open source software, being used of information literacy programme?
• How you would make a video for information literacy programme without spending any amount?
• Tell us about rendering of “suresh kumar” (Name changed), to control wrong entries in the union catalogue?
• How many Indians won the Booker prize, what are their names and books written by them?
• What is the actual birth place of Shakespeare?

I heard all the questions, answered only 20% of these confidently, tried to give explanation for 30% but was mum on almost 50% questions.

I was not feeling happy on my performance but was started evaluating myself. On realising my performance, even I had not tired to persuade them with any of my explanation. In my eyes, I found myself completely at new ignored place, which was low and far below from a professional’s realm. I started feeling happy with the decision that I would surely be preparing myself for other interviews. I wish to be like the two serious professionals who I had seen during the interview. This interview is really an eye opener for me, now, I am trying to be ready for small or any big similar occasions with complete professional attitude.

Me & My Inner Tempest

No one to adore, no one at the crest

None to share my love and worst

When emotions arrived at point of curtest

There is only 'me' with 'my inner tempest'

Smile please...

I am ‘feeling’ alone these days despite the fact that I am not at all alone, but my feeling making me alone. Lots of people are there around me. All of them are busy to make their lives successful and luxurious. They have their own bunch of people to care for and to get cared from them. Feeling happy for everyone atleast they have someone who will come to them during their ill or happy times.

With a smile I just mocked on myself for the life where finding no one who will remain with me and plan every bit of my life. Though I know, keeping this expectation from a human being is ridicules, only my Mother and God can do this for me. The sight of love from the Mother and the God, who blessed me with desired care, is giving happiness to my inner soul. I am happy with this optimistic thought that forces me to enjoy this birth of mine. I am trying to say to myself … smile please.