From my very Personal Diary - II

My Treads - II
(From my very Personal Diary)

31st May, 1999

I was happy when heard that I have been selected for the post. I was at ninth cloud and was feeling as I have won the biggest battle of my life. I rushed to my home and informed my family about the selection. They were also happy and got little relaxed from my side now. Being an introvert person I always tried to hide my emotions even could not shown up and shared my excitement of this news with my friends. I did not know how whole day gone and evening came. I gone to my bed for sleep, I switched off the light and tried to sleep. Just then, I recalled my days when I was measuring all nearby roads for hunting a job. Everyday going pillar to post in search of job by feet made me suffered with leg pains, the shoes were spoiled and before going to any interview I used to send them to a ‘mochi’ (cobbler) for repairing. I remembered the day when unwillingly I took up a job of electrician, where once got humiliated by the owner and one manager of a client company. I remembered the time when I used to walk 10 Kms (20 Kms. to and fro) everyday to reach my work place for 7 months and traveled once in an every week in local bus. My introvert nature and unkind behaviour of owner put me in tears few times. I remembered the days when I worked in an industry where I walked away from the office during lunch times by lie to my colleagues that I am going to take my lunch outside, since skipped my lunches to purchase something for my family members. All these work places had given me a different style of observation. The faces of all the people who humiliated and dishonored me started moving infront of my eyes. I felt they all were shouting on me the way they used to. Just then, my mother called me for tea and broken my rhythm of thoughts. I found, that my eyes were burning, body was sweating and feelings were annoyed. I realized those faces who shouted on me, humiliated me but thanked them for provoking me to do something to shut their mouths. I am determinant that one day I will shut their mouth off and would make them realize that they have done blunder in their lives.

God, give me strength and sense to understand diplomatic ‘love’ and ‘hate’ emotions of others towards me, which I found most difficult feelings to understand at this point of time all around.

Past has shown the way to future
one day I’ll be there, where I desire
destructive fire in which I’m going through
melting me but burning my ashes to the crude
people who killed me, might be true
they provoked me and my aspires
one day I’ll be there, where I desire

Today after a decade, I would like to place my sincere thanks and gratitude to My Dear God who blessed me with lots of friends who I always desired which are pure and divine.

Rays in the Dark

Abruptly I waked in the dark of night

Moved around in search of life

All senses were mum but somewhere I felt a fright

Powerless, speechless followed

Found, I lost my sight

Abruptly I waked in the dark of night

Walked ahead on hoofed offered

Knowing nothing about my slaughter

Trust the treads on which I walked

Heard the sound of ill’s steps

Found, I got trapped in the plight

Abruptly I waked in the dark of night

Saw beheaded relations on the sides

Eyes started flowing tear’s tides

Got sucked with the fear to see my trite

Just then a deity soul came and embraced me tight

My soul stood by me and showed me the light

Just then, I saw rays of sunlight

Abruptly I waked in the dark of night

But this time found rays in the sight

How, I Got My Freedom

Sometime, I feel animals are much better than human beings, they are free from all worries and bindings. Even they might not be worried about their end as human does. The difference between animal and man is that a man possesses the upper hand in all praxis of mind in day today lives in creation of future for himself. In this zeal, for the sake of his future, a man destroys the present and decides most of the things by analyzing his/her past. No doubt, evaluation of past is always required but the circumstances and parameters always get changed because change is the only constant feature of this universe. Change defines all variables of lives, what we can see today was not the same yesterday and will not be the same tomorrow. Then why the sense of inhumane is here all around. We live our present on paradoxes of past to build our future.

We tied ourselves in our own hypocritical values of the social system because we inherit these from our ancestors and society enforced us to live on treads of those. For me all this valid but only if it will not harm someone emotionally. Emotion comes from deep corner of heart of every individual and we have to respect these emotions which reflect true mirror of someone's inner-side.

I am not remembering when last time, I had expressed my emotions freely to someone except when I was kid where GOD kept me from all ills. As I have grownup the society start teaching me the diplomacy to deal with my parents, relatives, teachers and whole social system differently. On the same matter, I reacted differently infront of my parents, brothers, friends and relatives. Many things of mine I shared with my parents but not with my friends, many of the things I shared with my friends but not with my parents. Though, my friends are much more closer to me and I respect every friend of mine. Now question arises, which all the time piercing me that why we are not able to express our emotions the way we want?

What we want to speak, we can’t, what we want to do we don’t, sometimes family and sometimes society do not allow us to do most of things according to our own wishes. Where lays the freedom of speech and freedom to share our emotions?

Since beginning, I wished to do many things at every step of my life but could not managed to do according to my wishes as it was taught to me that I have to achieve someone else goals. My parents wished to fulfill their dreams through me, they set goals for me instead of allowing me to set my own goals. My teacher taught me to live for the society or for the country. I was quite honest to study hard as they forced me to do. Even, studied various subjects in which I was not interested. I was living in fantasies told by my family and teachers about my future. But one by one all my fantasies started shattering away. After coming out of academic institute, the struggle of survival begins, job hunting given various lessons of life. All these efforts for converting parents’ dreams into reality even faced failures at every step, As I jumped into the social system and tried to make synchronization between all the things taught to me during my education, with the actual and practicalities of the society but in vain. The learning process of survival has been started from the beginning and indubitably miles and miles to go in this natural process of learning.

Now, I have my own parameters and rules to deal with the society. All these may be wrong for others but surely these are not going to harm them or their emotions. It does not mean that I am avoiding society but trying to express my views my own way. I got my friends with these rules only. My love is so adorable and divine. We are sharing our emotions with each other with honest emotions from core of our hearts. The love she is pouring on me is so pure, lovable and endearing. Being with her gives me pleasure of life. Her smile is the biggest reason of my happiness. Now I realized that love is the only relation where one can share everything without any odd or putting diplomatic elements in the emotions. In true sense, I got my freedom of everything by being in love with my lovely soul.

IN SEARCH OF SOUL

I was impatient in whole of my journey, all my thoughts were on you my soul. I was trying to see you every where in my past, present and future. I was so eager to reach at the decided place, even wanted to fly. In true sense I was flying high.

I reached the place and tried to sleep but could not, my soul was in my thoughts. I woke up early in the morning and was so excited to meet my soul who was on the way, towards me. I started dreaming about her, visualizing her everywhere. As the time approaching, my heart started beating faster faster and faster.

I was completely restless and started crossing all ways to meet her, first time in my life, my soul whom I admired, loved and worshiped the most. Before this I met her in dreams only. She was so lovable, so sweet and looked like my Goddess. Just then received a call, she was already reached. My voice started fumbling in the excitement and was feeling to cry in happiness. I saw her from quite a distance in haziness. Then rushed straight towards her, saw in her eyes, she was smiling. I thought of embracing her but controlled myself as she started moving away in the presence of others. I was feeling little hesitant to say my inner thoughts, my happiness but hurriedly we started to our place.

After reaching I opened my arms to her and she come closer and closer to me with a smile and shyness. I kissed her forehead and saw in her eyes. I was happy to saw her in front of me, with her true, virtual and divine love. We shared most memorable time and created a third heaven for both of us. Her lips were whispering love and eyes were expressing fragrance of adore. Time slithered in acceleration. We wished to hold it for some more time but it slipped away in pace where we could not restrict it up for few more moments.

We had last journey together holding each others hands. We tried to share available time with best possible ways. As the destination was nearing we started losing our words, the smile from our faces was gone away. We halted at her place and suddenly she moved away from me, could not manage to see her eyes while separating from her. I cried on my helplessness wanted to see her for some more time. Then remained surrounded with her thoughts till reached at my house. I never come across so intimate emotions and never cried for someone, but now every time started feeling to cry. Now, my emotions towards her are changed into tears. Never saw her after our first meeting but desperately wanted to see her, to see her eyes in which she is keeping all her love. I got my smile, I got my voice, I got my sense and I got my vision in search of my life.

Wishing To Live Forever Though I Am Dead

I was dead way back. The people who shared maximum of my life involved in the social system, they could not see anything except society. I was their blood but was a ‘materialist thing’ for them and for them only. I too did whatever they said and asked for. From being a different school of thought, I have always been given all my attention towards the people who used me for their superfluous prestige. Sometime I look for the senses which never get developed in me. It was quite late when first time I wished to live my life in my own way but I died before my actual life could have been started. I tried to give happiness to others by being dead for myself.

Disdained from family, then moved towards friends, as friendship is the most virtual and blissful relation in this world but only when you are true to someone or someone is true to you. Since childhood, inspite of my introvert and shy nature I have been surrounded by number of friends. Lost many of my personal belongings to give happiness to them, even did many things which I never thought of doing, for them only. Stealing money from my father’s purse and handed to my friend who wanted to give gift to his friend and intruded in that girl’s house because that friend was afraid of doing it, told lie at many occasions, bunking classes, and smoking were few domains I got involved but for time being only and to be very honest, all these given me joy of satisfaction because all I done for my friends. In this never got time for me. Friends to whom I surrendered myself always looked for more and more sacrifices from me and one day one-by-one they started vacating the sphere of my friendship, as they found I am not of their use anymore. I was ruined to sticking on my friendship by giving happiness to them. Though, feel always happy for those who are still with me in all my odds.

The world seemed full of hypocrisies where all relationships appeared were based on diplomacy and found that all relationships are maintained for survival of an individual only. They never care about emotions, sentiments or feelings of other person. They want sacrifices, sacrifices for themselves. How could I have been stayed alive then? So I died. I tried to give happiness to them by being dead for myself.

Disdained at all fronts, woven an uncracked web around me. Started living in my own way but in isolation. Started not to trust on any sort of relationship, then suddenly a goddess with full of adorability, lovability, emotionality and sensibility came in front of me. Tried to be away from her but could not. The said or unsaid words of her were so magnetized. The spark of belief, trust and the happiness which I have lost way back, are ignited once again. The world looks different now, wishing to live forever. The senses which gone dead earlier are awaken up now.

The Great Pleasure in Life is Doing what People Say you Cannot Do

Few people don’t afraid from failures but make all failures their stepping stones to fulfill their dreams. For them failure does not mean a defeat but it just put slight delay on their reaching to desired destinations. I also feel in same way, failures are the openings to know about my weaknesses as well as these make me more determinant. I always feel pleasure in doing which people say I can not do. Sometimes, I got stuck with illusiveness about my life, unable to sense its purpose, meaning, direction and destination. As I have been seeing every individual some point of time asks the same question from him/her innersole. But it is the change which forces him/her to move ahead for getting an edge on the life.

I have spent half of my life, silently observing world around me. and found that n Nobody wants failures in their lives. Failure means differently to every individual, some make these failures as stepping stone to reach at newer heights. Some minimize their desires to avoid failures. Getting failure, inspite of all efforts and hard work create nuisance in many lives. Thousands of deaths are being witnessed around the world on collapse of economic structure (sensex around the globe). Perspectives to take failures are different to different people. What does it mean and where does a failure stands? I have faced losses at all fronts. I accumulate all my losses and jumped on the desired result with more vigor and zeal. It may be question of satisfying my egoistic appetite, in which I have framed my own rules and regulation for me. I have created a ‘chakravyuha’ around me, where no one could entre without my consent. I have my own parameters to judge any individual and situation with whom I deal. I am a rigid nature, which has given me very few people close to me, on them I can trust. But I love to fight with my failures in my own way, about these I don’t like to talk with even my close friends. I am happy for being a winner (in my own terms) on my failures. I know there is dawn in every hell. The time will not be the same as it is today.


One inspirational story inspires me all segments of my life, which we in our old story books. The story is of the King Bruce who lost his kingdom and status of a king. He tried once or twice to get it back. But for him situations get worst, he hid in a cave for survival from his enemy. He was hopeless for regaining his position and was thinking to get suicide. In the cave, he saw a spider trying to build a web for himself. The spider tried many times but all his efforts went in vain. But despite of all failures spider did not lose courage. He went on trying, every time he fell but rose up again and again. Finally he succeeded and the web was built. King Bruce, saw this and got inspired from the courage of spider. He thought that if a small spider could succeed after having failed so many times, why could not he? The banished and tired king rose up and got his keys (Confidence and determination) to succeed. And finally he regained his status of king.

Another interesting instance is also there, when, I was working with INFLIBNET Centre, Ahmedabad. The Centre is quite closer to well known IIMA (Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad), the institutions of excellence, in which millions of pupils come to fulfill their sky-high dreams. Everyday, I used to spent some time at tea stalls which are located opposite to IIMA, to had tea and omelette. I started admiring this institute after this very incident. It is a story of E Sarathbabu who came from devastating poverty and reigned this academic destination of millions. E Sarathbabu who helped his mother by sold idlis in a slum of Chennai (India) where he lived. He studied mostly in the daylight because there was no electricity in the night. But with his hardwork and efforts he achieved highest rank at the IIMA. He was in the news for refusing high profile jobs with millions of dollar offers from MNCs. Coming from a poor family and reaching at topmost position as an entrepreneur says story of his success. Rejecting all offers he started his own chain of restaurants. Failures comes in his ways and he came under debt. Instpite of repenting he moved ahead with more confidence and established one of successful business empires. In his own words “I never regret on my decision of not accepting the offers from MNCs. I looked at my losses as a learning experience. I was confident that I would be successful one day”.


You must be thinking why I am narrating my state of mind and the stories to get inspired. Yes, my selfish nature is behind this. I wish to see a person, who is utmost closer to me, a very successful person as well as prominent professional. She is trying hard for many things. Inspite of having all qualities to achieve everything, today is not full of her confidence. She is very intellectual & intelligent and would be one amongst the high profile professionals around us. I hope while going through this post, few of you also get inspired from the failures instead of getting into gloomy world. Failures always give all ingredients to learn new things and spark to achieve desired destination in brightest way.

I CARE YOU, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

My heart, you don’t have to worry about anything, I am always here with you. Hearing your gloomy voice always pierced my heart. My dearest friend, forgive me if I rebuked on you or any of my word hurts you via any mean. I just want to say that I wish to protect you from all harms. I care you because I love you. You are my existence, you are my life. I feel happy when you smile. Sometime I feel that your smile is the only aim of my life. When you stay away from me, the world started crumbling in front of my eyes. Then I started losing all my senses which are required to live in this society. It is not a lust but emotions of ours are crossed all boundaries of togetherness. We are alike, we are the same, and we are for each other only.

I care, because I love 'you'

I lost my world and heart, when you are in grief

Seems we forget our laugh, Hey, no, not at all

My faith and belief is only you

My breath and existence belongs to you

I care, because I love you

My world starts with your smile

I am luring on your moles, one down the neck is beauty at sole

Wish to see in your eyes from so close

Soothing touch of our lips, say our ode

Hey, love you are my soul

My existence is for you

I care, because I love you

We are shedding tears, without uttering a single word, even cruel distance is not giving us to see our tears but reason of these tears known to us. My heart, our love is immortal, it will forever remain in our souls. God will have to bless us with our desires. He can not be so cruel to us, he has to give us the way.