Careful, someone is watching you!!!

“God’s spirit was here, I felt it with my hands. They (Son and daughter in low) said, it is my illusion and mocked on my words. That spirit came to take my son from me, but I could not do anything to save him”, the grieved mother by getting breathless with sobs was telling to every one. I felt earth moved under my feet when I heard her. She was talking about the incident which had taken place just few hours before sudden demise of her son. When she was on her bed in the night, she felt someone there in her room. In the dark she touched the person with her hands and realized presence of a deadly black person. She got scared and shouted the name of her son for the help. Her son and daughter in law switched on the light and inquired about the incident. They could not believe on her narration about the presence of somebody in her room. But very next day she lost her son. “It was God’s spirit who came to take him”, she yelled. This was her only son and the most pitiful vistas of her life is that just couple of years back she lost her daughter and then her husband in mysterious circumstances. Now her daughter in law with two small kids is her family but there is no one to earn bread and butter to them.

I happened to be with deceased’s sister in the same vehicle which her in-laws hired to take her for completing rituals at her mother’s place. Nobody told her about the death of her brother. We all were trying to be normal infront of her. She was wondering about ill health of her mother even smiled on some of the talks. I was just thinking that what will happen when she come to know the truth. We were hearing mourns of women from the house. As stepping down from the vehicle someone told her about her brother's death and she got fainted and was dumb stuck after hearing this.

Life seems nothing to me at that point of time, it is merely a delusion and got feeling that ‘death’ is the only truth on this earth. The person runs behind luxuries, money and relations but what he/she will be getting at the end? But my biggest concern is how this mother will survive in this world of hypocrisies? She has to be a God to give life to her family. My thoughts took me to the meaningful Indian epics Ramayana and Mahabharata which decode the mystories aournd the actual meaning of death. I had read both these epics couple of times but realized the actual strength and legitimacy of these marathons today only. Still in today’s society, Ramayana shows the success of good or truth on bad or evil. Inspite of all failures truth always got success at the end and evil always lost. This preaches people to always be with good or truth. Whereas, Mahabharata shows that peace is the only religion in the society, so spread peace that may be on terms of evil’s death. Today, relevancy of Mahabharata is much more visible in the world on the light of terrorism which is like an evil all around.

All thoughts come into my mind in just a fraction of a second. Moans of women showed me a different part of life. The whole scenario forced me to behave well and be in the favour of good in my life as I have to meet my death which is waiting to grab me soon. On dooms day one of God’s spirits will come to snatch me from the people who created my world and emotionally attached with me. Since the life is very short I wish to be with my love who is my smile and happiness. I have started feeling of someone’s presence around me who is watching and forcing me to behave properly in this society.

Who am I…?

One question that always put me in dilemma is who am I? I ponder on my role in my family and in society as well. Somewhere I feel, an invisible power is directing me to act the way according to its wishes. Once I had desired to be with my mother all the time, but my education and now my jobs keeping me away from her. She is my mentor and her place is much higher than the God. If I calculate I have spent first 5-6 years my life in her lap after that my desire of being with her always remained desire only. My father, the honest man on this earth lives in dignity. I wish to be like him and try to copy him many of the occasions. His sleepless nights during my mental or physical illness and his all support make me confident and proud. I want to give him happiness through out his life which he had sacrificed to fulfill my demands. I feel that I am unable to give him full support due to various reasons. My brothers, who have always been with me in my childish activities, are now busy in creating their future and lives. I wish to be with them in the same way as we were during our childhood, although, I know the passed time never comes again. My friends had always felt my sincere and supportive nature. I too cut shorted all my desires, needs and requirements to help them but now I feel myself helpless to help them out. My beloved, whom I want to give all happiness of this universe, is far away from me. Whenever I wish to see her I can not, whenever I wish to talk her I can not. Whenever she is in need of me, I can not support her the way she desires. I know love does not need any support, since it is divine way of mutual togetherness, which never works like a burden but always works like a biggest support. But it’s my fate only which has not given to her any meaning of our love to feel proud on.

I have seen the people when I was in dark they kept themselves away from me and pushed me in more darkness. When I achieve the light they reminded me the days of our togetherness. From distant places they come near to me and been with me in the light. But again when I went in the dark again they left me alone and moved ahead.

I wonder, does achieving success is the only religion in this world or survival by beheading own people is the name of successful life. I do not want to be successful but want to see people happy who are around me. I do not know my part in this life, the invisible power who enforcing me to behave according to its needs is not allowing me to act the way I wish. I am trying to decode the question who am I and for what I have been on this earth with the people so close to me? Am I alone to feel like this or all others also feeling the pressure of someone other's on their wishes? Do my mother, father, brothers, friends and my beloved one also feel pressure on something while dealing with their desires? I am alone in search of who am I ...? But I am confident and believe to achieve all my dreams.

The great William Shakespeare, five hundreds years ago tried to answer this question with the lines in Act II of ‘As You like It’.

All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts.

Why I dont want to vote....

Election fever is predominantly transmitting allover, as election in India is approaching. Once again the illusive hype of politics making me paranoid from the democracy in which all parties keeping eyes on exploitation of socialism. At present, ‘religionism’ becomes the biggest threat to the society and embryonic divide of society in Poor and Rich is also creating paradoxes where poor are becoming poorer and rich are becoming more richer. It does not mean that I don’t like politics, I like it but only when it can be used as science for the social development, not for creating gaps between siblings.

Politics is good if it can be used as a science to help the society and other side, it is a most dangerous game when played with the objective of survival only. In my views, in our country politics has already been entered in our veins like blood. At local level, we have ‘Panchayati Raj’ system, where villagers form their own ‘Raj’ for the development of the local public. I have seen the nastiest scenes of dirty politics during elections in which party workers distribute money and wine to attract common people for votes. After getting the power, they have been allotting IRDP status, to the people who are economically very much sound and avail all the facilities being given by the government to the privileged group of people. The government schemes launched frequently for the poor or local people, known to few of them only. Most of the agriculture loans are have taken by the people who are already comes in high economic class. These people are getting agriculture loan at the interest of 6% or so and fixing them in other banks availing interest rate of 10% or so.

Even in educations for school educations politicians have framed different syllabus where private school can have their own syllabus. Don’t you feel this is again to dissect the public in two groups, i.e. poor and rich? The deprived people remain deprived from the feel of these facilities. At national level, we have hundreds of parties. Denudation of parties is a common phenomenon. During elections, Indian politics creates an allegoric comic sequences where no relation can be counted only survival become the final goal. Even finding a good leader from the population of more than a billion people is absolutely a daunting task. Even though, since two decades we are finding collative government after spending 1000 millions rupees during election from the money that belong to the public.

Why I don’t want to vote:

Mostly criminal nature people become more active to participate in election. The people who are really in the business of social service can adopt politics rarely, below one percent of the total leaders come in the category.

Academicians try to be away from the politics.

Most of the leaders remained indulge in the personal politics and least bother about the country in practical.

For one political seat we can find many contenders, even many of them not at all known to public.

Parties publish manifestos before the election and these manifestoes are never being evaluated after completion of their terms.

Suggestions:

An examination would be framed before allowing anybody for combating an election.

Criminal record can be taken seriously as we are considering it an offence while giving any government service to anybody.

Even elections at local level should monitor under the presence of cameras linked to national security systems.

Two party system need to be established.

Portfolio can be decided before the election. Though public may evaluate the strength of any leader with reference to that particular portfolio.

The complete bio-data of every leader should be published, so people can know about the leader whom they are voting for.

The evaluation of any government’s accomplished tasks during their regime with reference to their manifestos need to be done. A special committee should has been appointed for this.

Democracy is boon if used properly and it can be a ban if being misused by leaders of the country. Talking about politics is not my forte, but for many years I was thinking to talk on my personal views on politics in general and on Indian politics in particular. With this writing I don’t want to harm any of the individual who purely devoted themselves in politics. The way of interpretation can be different as we every individual keeps different perspective on each and everything. Mere seene mein nahi, to tere seene mein sahi ho kahi bhi aag lekin, aag jalni chahiye..........

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My Diary
05.03.2009 (Thursday)

Since we ended our night talk improper way, I woke up by her call early in the morning today. My day starts with her voice, love and lots of care. She called before getting ready for the office and also called after reaching in the office. I left my bed on her direction and reached in the office exact on time.

In office, after clearing few official issues, we talked. Today also we shared a few calls of 20 plus minutes apart from few very short talks. I was feeling little passive without any reason. Many of the time I felt her consciousness might be due to the longer talk and the people around her must have calculating her time on the cell. Even her principal also commented her about the time she holds the cell.

I don’t know what to do, hearing her voice is my weakness and everywhere some or other thing is happening which forcing us to minimize our interaction. Really I am quite upset with these developments, now can not hear her in the office as well as in her house. What to do? Should I start behaving tough with myself for controlling my desires to hear her? No no... I knew I am heartless, if once start thinking out of my heart may convert me into a stone once again. Naah, I can not imagine my life without her.

We had our evening talk too, but again it was not completely on our love but shifted on others. My brain has forced me to think over the issues which should not be there in our discussion but now started coming up. I am feeling her pain, by putting myself on her place. All these pains are given by me, a useless stone which she is carving with her love. I am thinking seriously over her pain.

Received her a very short call with full of love while coming to my house. Prepared my dinner and start working over Internet. She called up and came online after 10.40pm. Today Internet was giving some problem, once again we could not chat properly even could not talk to each other over the phone as we used to. I am desperate to see her, want to touch her. This chat and talk is not giving satisfaction anymore at this moment. My love is so lovable but being her love could not even see her. What a badluck I have and what a fate given by God where I can not even see my love.

Sensing something.....

My Diary

04.03.2009 (Wednesday)

Her call woke me up in the morning. All my days in which I got up by hearing her voice go incredibly well. Her voice brings me exceptional strength and activeness for the day. I was on bed when she again called me from her office. I got ready for the office as instructed by her and then while doing my breakfast try to talk to her to show that I am in actual having my breakfast. She was busy so ended that call quickly.

After reaching, I sent her mails and then talked to her. I was feeling so fresh as my day started with her voice.

We shared few quite a good (long) talks, even sometime she felt conscious because of the people she was surrounded might have observing her over the phone. Then we waited for our evening talk. I dint do anything during the gaps we had given between two talks. Whole day has gone with her lots of love. She was very busy with loads of work in the office but given maximum of her time for me.

During evening again she poured all her love while talking. But evening talk was interrupted once or twice due to some reasons at my as well as her end and finally the call ended without any proper way.

She called me up at 7pm and then at around 8pm. The day was going in astonishing way of loving each other. She came online at 10.30pm. But I felt we have not talked on any of the issue in this chatting, even found her speechless at few of the occasion. Suddenly, I thought not to hold her for long when she was not getting words to chat. Before ending our chat, I loved her pics. She is my life but don’t know where and why she got lost somewhere. I was angry.

We talked for around 6 minutes as I was feeling she was not comfortable on the net while chatting with me. I was in very bad mood. She loved me but disconnected the phone by getting irritated on my behaviour. I think first time she ended her talk in this manner. I lost my sleep the way this lovely day has ended. Surly this is not a good sign for us. When ego clashes everything fall apart. I place my apology on my cracked behaviour. I normally got caught by this type of tempter but she never. She is so sweet and lovable, even much better than GOD. Love u my love.

On the way to sleepless nights

My Diary

03.03.2009 (Tuesday)

Today is 3rd our memorable day, for this occasion wishing my love and praying to my almighty God for bless us with everyday of our lives like our memorable day.

Yesterday, we had a light but long talk. I was astonished with the pure love she is showering. Today, again did not get my sleep properly did not know when I got sleep in the morning. I woke up with her call, my eyes were little heavy but I felt that whole of my day would surly be going incredible because I heard voice of my love. She again called up me after reaching her office she got disconnected on the terms that she would be calling me back soon. I was not in the mood to go anywhere was just lying on the bed and was deeply involved in her thoughts. Just then again got her call, she asked me to take my breakfast and get ready for the office. Do not know why blindly I follow her words even can hide anything from her, but never got this much courage to go against her words. I reached my office after almost half an hour.

I was very happy to receive her few calls since morning, it was great after many days, I heard this much of calls from her even those were in 3 hours. We shared long long talks today. It was really a wonderful day for me, as found her so much close to me. Now again, I have started realizing strength of our love and her devotion for our love.

For office, just discussed few things with my staff about our projects, it was just a routine work only. But tried to spend most of my time in her thoughts, I like to see her everywhere around me.

Evening talk was again the same as we used to have. She poured her all love as always. Her way of talking always fascinates me. She is incredible sweet and lovable. We broken the talk as she said would be calling after 2 hours or so. She got busy in her household jobs and I also left the office to reach early at my room to get involved in her dreams and thoughts, this has been my every day routine. After reaching at the room, I started waiting her. Each and every second was started giving load of tons weight but she dint come. I was restless for not receiving even a message from her side and get into tears soon. Later she came and revealed about her limitation and situation of this delay.

She came online but again got slightly late. Don't know from where the thought came 'she wants to keep me away, so started making these delay". I felt guilty on thinking this way and throw away this unwanted thought, as I can see her divine eyes with full of spark for our love. Just then she came. We again shared a beautiful talk, I loved her pics and her too but suddenly she left on thought of present situation at her end. She has gone to sleep with the words that she will wake me up whenever she come out from her sleep. Again thoughts our 3rd memorable day came into my mind and now started waiting her as she said she may come as well as start writing these lines about my day.

From my very Personal Diary - II

My Treads - II
(From my very Personal Diary)

31st May, 1999

I was happy when heard that I have been selected for the post. I was at ninth cloud and was feeling as I have won the biggest battle of my life. I rushed to my home and informed my family about the selection. They were also happy and got little relaxed from my side now. Being an introvert person I always tried to hide my emotions even could not shown up and shared my excitement of this news with my friends. I did not know how whole day gone and evening came. I gone to my bed for sleep, I switched off the light and tried to sleep. Just then, I recalled my days when I was measuring all nearby roads for hunting a job. Everyday going pillar to post in search of job by feet made me suffered with leg pains, the shoes were spoiled and before going to any interview I used to send them to a ‘mochi’ (cobbler) for repairing. I remembered the day when unwillingly I took up a job of electrician, where once got humiliated by the owner and one manager of a client company. I remembered the time when I used to walk 10 Kms (20 Kms. to and fro) everyday to reach my work place for 7 months and traveled once in an every week in local bus. My introvert nature and unkind behaviour of owner put me in tears few times. I remembered the days when I worked in an industry where I walked away from the office during lunch times by lie to my colleagues that I am going to take my lunch outside, since skipped my lunches to purchase something for my family members. All these work places had given me a different style of observation. The faces of all the people who humiliated and dishonored me started moving infront of my eyes. I felt they all were shouting on me the way they used to. Just then, my mother called me for tea and broken my rhythm of thoughts. I found, that my eyes were burning, body was sweating and feelings were annoyed. I realized those faces who shouted on me, humiliated me but thanked them for provoking me to do something to shut their mouths. I am determinant that one day I will shut their mouth off and would make them realize that they have done blunder in their lives.

God, give me strength and sense to understand diplomatic ‘love’ and ‘hate’ emotions of others towards me, which I found most difficult feelings to understand at this point of time all around.

Past has shown the way to future
one day I’ll be there, where I desire
destructive fire in which I’m going through
melting me but burning my ashes to the crude
people who killed me, might be true
they provoked me and my aspires
one day I’ll be there, where I desire

Today after a decade, I would like to place my sincere thanks and gratitude to My Dear God who blessed me with lots of friends who I always desired which are pure and divine.